Maddy Dave
Owners of the universe

Winning was never so easy.  

How to win an argument.
 

1. You have to convince yourself that you are one hundred percent right and your opponent is one hundred percent wrong. Ignoring your own flaws and getting your opponent to veer away from your own flaws is key.

2. Pick on the tiniest details that you can. For example, if they are trying to prove a point and they are repeating the same thing over and over, point out that they have only one fact behind their reasoning. Also point out things like they are talking to fast and that nobody can win an argument trying to quick-talk the other into losing. An argument is really never about what is supposedly being argued about, it is about who can use fancier words and convince better, even if there are no facts behind your reasoning.

3. Use weighty but meaningless words and phrases


A. Check your facts

B. Prove it

C. That's not the point

D. Ergo (means therefore)

E. So to speak

F. Don't compare apples to oranges

G. That sounds very suspicious

H. Let me put it this way

I. You are arguing as if we are in the third grade

J. I'm going to end this conversation so you don't humiliate yourself even more. (The instant winning phrase)


4. At least every two minutes mention how they are completely wrong and you are completely right.

5. If you make a point that that the person you are arguing has no comeback for, repeat it very loudly in his/her face. This, and phrase J are instant winners.

6. Repeating things is key to winning.

7. Changing the subject is a very good tactic, especially if you are losing. After you change the subject and the one you are arguing with talks about the new subject, tell him/her that he/she is changing the subject because he/she is losing. They might say "but you changed the subject", your comeback is "That's not the point".

8. Always bring a third person into the argument. Completely block the one you are arguing with from the third person and change the story completely. For example, you are arguing with someone about who is better. Lets say you said that you were better because you have a cooler television, and the one you are arguing with said they are cooler because they have a big dick, turn to person number three, while blocking the one you are arguing with from talking to person three, and say something like "Can you believe that person 2 said that he has a big dick and he likes when men suck it?!?!?" Repeat over and over. (This is a very bad example of what you would be arguing over, except I am so godlike, it instantly becomes a good example.)

9. Phrase J

a. I'm going to end this conversation so you don't humiliate yourself even more.
 

If the person keeps on arguing, say something like "See, you obviously lose, I'm controlling your actions, I drew you back into the argument. I bet that you are going to keep on arguing about such a silly thing." If they continue, then you mention how you are still controlling them, and if they leave, tell them that you are still controlling them. Also ask them how it feels to be controlled in an argument they can't win.

See, its all about trying to convince the other person that they have no argument, its not about arguing, its convincing that they are wrong. Convincing is easy, because you don't need facts, and it seems as if you have a better stand on things, even if you are completely wrong.


By David Ward.

Fuck with me and die.