God I hate
wild turkey. Maybe it’s because I’ve had the distinct displeasure of drinking
it and then tasting it again the second time. (For those who are new to the world, Wild Turkey is booze.)
It isn’t an experience I’d like to repeat, so as such I’m banning wild turkey.
I hate it. Also, when you’re pissed on wild turkey it’s like being pissed on
yak piss. All you do is vomit and vomit some more. I would talk more about what
I did whilst I was smashed on wild turkey, but I can’t remember what I did. All
I know is that I woke up with a hangover so bad that it must mean that I was
“The drunk guy” at the party last night.
Goddamn, no one wants to be “the drunk guy”. They’re the one’s that are far
more drunk than everyone, running around hitting on the gender of their
preference. Bi sexual drunk people hit on anything that has legs, so the only
person safe from that kind of person is legless jimmy, the loveable orphan.
And while I’m on the topic, who the hell like orphans? When the hell do they
contribute to society? Orphans must be aliens, look at the size of their eyes.
It’s not because their eyes are big in contrast to their malnourished bodies,
it’s because they are lazy little assholes from another planet, like Pluto, the
lazy planet. Man Pluto shits me. All it ever does is float around, being
composed of frozen methane. Pluto is literally a big frozen fart.
The only
good orphan is a dead one. All they do is wear tatty clothes and beg for more
food. One thing that orphans have down pat is not being happy. That’s the key
to life. I remember there was once an orphan who had just received a dollar in
his little begging tin and he smiled and said “There is a god!”
I took it upon myself to teach the little asshole some cynicism. No one is
happy when I’m around. And by around, I mean everywhere. If there is a smile, I
will take it down. If there is laughter, I’ll put it back where it came from.
The only good feeling that is allowed is the feeling of an orgasm, and only I
may enjoy it.
Everyone
else has to accept this and move on and be sad and drink away their problems.
Drink everything except for Wild Turkey. That stuff is foul. I mean, it's not
bad when it goes down, but it sucks when it comes round for a second taste, if
you know what I mean.
And when you wake up in a puddle of it your eyes kind of hurt and you stink
like vomit for some reason.
Whoa did I write this? Holy shit the spelling's not bad. Maddy for the win.