Maddy Dave
Owners of the universe

What an epic fucking battle..  

My epic battle with my guitar

The other day, I decided to grace the world with my music, so naturally I whipped out my beautiful axe and started to strum the fuck outta her. Knowing it was out of tune, I blasted it in the ears of some stupid hag who complained that my guitaring needed work, sonny, and then she became this ugly sandbag whore, so naturally I raped her ears some more and her head exploded. It then occurred to me that though blasting old people’s ear drums with shitty music was fun, it backfired in my face as my ears were screaming at me for being such a dick to them. So I sat down on top of an airplane and began to tune it. I began to realize that something was wrong, as the guitar just wouldn’t tune. I knew it wasn’t my high altitude, so it had to be the guitar. I sweet talked my daughter and played with her a little, touching her delicate spots, like her heads, and she responded. But as I got her to scream out that final string’s tuning, everything else died. The other strings just shat themselves, and I was left with a guitar that was suited for molesting ears, but not gracing them. Naturally, I handed it over to my father so that he could grace it with his wisdom of guitars, and even he couldn’t get it sounding like the beautiful daughter of mine that it is. So I looked at her and stapled “FAILURE” on her face. Stupid bitch, how dare you not tune? She was giving lip to. She was all like "mmk... you got the first 5 strings tuned? good, now when you tune this last one, teh others go outta tune! WEEEEEEEEE FUCK YOU MADDY". Fucking whore. I raped her out of spite. So I consulted the next person to know everything about my daughter’s shitty menstrual cycle of which I was being run over by (Hereby to be known as a legend; his name is Kyle Gass), and he told me to stretch her strings to shit near her pick ups. I did so. She reacted by not de tuning herself so bad. I praised her. I did it about 2289347 more times and she sounded like the sexy beast she was.
Man, we made love all night long, and the cops came over just to watch me play, they even dared me to play whilst I had handcuffs on. I broke the handcuffs and offered the police some of my green machine stick, they said “sir, you’re under arrest sir” and my mum got scared and said "You're movin with your auntie to Bel-Air". I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo homies smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.