Maddy Dave
Owners of the universe

A survivalist guide.  

A guide to caring for your fatty.

So it appears the rants are losing their way. Moving to a view of pure hatred, rather than to question beliefs and put a satirical spin on them. Well, dear readers, welcome back to rants with meaning and thought. Progression is achieved by understanding what we are dealing with, and then being able to cope with it by the use of humour. As such, a rant is very much the same, a constant barrage of ‘thought-provoking’ attacks, and some-what connecting humour. Nevertheless, in my eyes, a successful rant is one that questions the morality of something that effects us ‘en-mass’ rather than just the one person. If you’re ranting about someone being nasty to you, well, you’re just being a pussy. She hurt you, and she isn’t coming back. Get over it.

So to what are we turning our attention to today? Childhood Obesity. Already been covered, you say? Well Fuck you, presumptuous asshole. This is the Guide To Dealing With Your Fatty.

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So, you’ve got yourself a fatty. Admitting it is truly the first step, and at last you’ve finally stopped blaming it on being glandular, or retaining water. It wasn’t water at all, was it? It was fucking chocolate. All 19 gallons of it. As you notice, your fatty comes in the standard ‘weeble-wobble’  construction, and is prone to tipping over if you catch it off guard. The lard arse is a standard also, Evolution made damn sure that if it was gonna chill out, it needed a big piece of fat to get comfy on. Don’t laugh...It’s your fault they are like this.

Look at that filth. You’d think it was a fat suit. Well, it’s not. It’s all those cheeseburgers he rammed down his throat. And I bet your fatty isn’t too unlike this fat fucker. Look at him. The disgusting, filthy, fat bastard child, straining to reach his hand out and point his chubby finger. He’s probably saying “Ewwh mommy, I can see that ladies neck”  His fat friend is no better. I bet they both moan ‘Cake’ in their sleep.

Understanding Your Fatty.

Your fatty is prone to loving all things that contain salt and sugar, it’s a natural evolutionary response for them to reach out their grubby little hands and moan in hunger. They aren’t really hungry, they are just bored of tasting air. Your fatty will make an instant psychological link to deep fried food equalling pleasure. You must take it upon yourself to sever this link at ALL costs. Your fatty will be very reluctant to do things, but a severe thrashing should take care of the initial whining. Don’t worry about bruising, your fatty is surrounded by a thick layer of it’s own body meat, and won’t feel a thing. Sure, it’ll scream, but rest at ease, it’s kinda like cattle-prodding a cow.

*DISCLAIMER* Here at Rich Corp, we do not advise that you cattle-prod your fatty. Although it may get extremely quick results, it can lead to scarring, and complications later in life. However, we understand that all fatties look the same, and it is highly effective to ‘brand’ your fatty, so you never walk away with another unwanted fatty. Let’s face it, your own is hard enough. We accept no responsibility for cattle-prod related fatty problems.

                           Run Fatty......                                                                          ....Run.

Caring For Your Fatty.

No matter what, you must understand that your fatty has to lose this weight. It’s inhuman for a child to wobble like half-set cheesecake. It will groan, and it will put up a fight...But never EVER give up the fight. Your fatty must give up sweets. Forever. Forever, ever? Forever, ever. So, this plan has been constructed for you to follow. This is now thy bible.

1.       Exercise. We strongly advise getting yourself a hamster wheel, and poking with sticks. Once your fatty is on the wheel, don’t let it off until his chunky blubber has done half an hour of running. Hell, hook him up to the TV, and sit and watch your favourite soap. Neighbours always looks awesome powered by Chubbytricity. The stick will only work for so long, however. Eventually, your fatty will become numb to the pain. In this instance, we recommend you dangle a cream bun in front of them. Fatties love cream buns, and will run frantically to try get this treat. They never will though...Silly fatties. ***WARNING*** Should your fatty stop, mid run, if he has exceeded 2mph (which is very unlikely, fatties don’t do miles) the inertia of the sudden stop could cause your fatty to do a complete turn of the wheel. This might seem funny at first, but you can bet your ass your fatty will make a grab for that cream bun. They cant help it. They’re animals. Be on your guard.

2.       Taking your fatty outside. It’s always best to take them out on a leash. Chances are, they’ll see the left over remains of a sugary snack, and make a run for it. A quick snap of the lease will bring them straight back to Earth with a shattering THUD. Also, fatties have a tendency to chase other fatties, and sniff each other’s butts to find out what deep fried food they had consumed earlier. If you’re daring to take your fatty OFF the leash, Beware of them tripping, or you accidently catching them off balance. Especially on a hill. Those fuckers catch speed, fast, courtesy of them being a general ball shape. If this happens, RUN. You wouldn’t want little Shaniqua to roll out into the middle of a busy road......Not that she’d be injured, but it would take months for the imprint of the car to work itself out of the fat.

3.       Cleaning. We simply recommend a cold water hose-down in the back yard. Hot water is reserved for people who care about fitting in the tub. In larger models, you may have to consider taking your fatty to a car wash. For the love of god, don’t wax them though, they turn into bowling balls. Fastest you’ll ever see a fatty move is when he’s all waxed up, skidding across your laminate flooring.....

4.       Diet. It’s vital that you never give your fatty anything it likes. If it likes it, chances are it will eat ALOT of it. Feed it salad. If it resists, beat the shit out of it. If that fails? Force feed the bastard. Make it repent for it’s chocolate covered sins. Feeding your fatty nothing but carrots and oranges will eventually turn them orange, and is always good for a laugh. Fancy dress party? You got your own Buddha. Try experimenting with food colourings to make your very own ‘Mood Fatty’.

A fatty being allowed ice cream.
Bad Move.
 

Fatty FAQ:

Q: My fatty says he can’t eat anything green, what should I do?

A: Puree it up. Make him drink it. Find a loophole around what he says. Your average fatty isn’t that smart. His mind is more focused on getting creamy/buttery goodness.

Q: My fatty’s refusing to go to the toilet!

A: Slip some laxatives in his wheat-o’s.

Q: I gave my fatty the laxatives, and it exploded. What do I use to clean up?

A: We recommend redecorating. Congealed fat is a bitch to get out of upholstery.

Q: My fatty has gone on a hunger strike =[

A: Lock him in a room of salad. At least when it caves, it’ll be making a start on healthy food.

Q: My fatty fell over, and is stuck on it’s stomach, flapping it’s arms. What now?

A: Laugh. Don’t worry, it’ll tire itself out soon, and go sleep.

Q: I kept feeding my fatty while it was on the exercise wheel. Is there any hope for me?

A: Sure, the aim was to cure your fatty, but it’s obvious you’re shit at child-rearing. Hook your fatty’s exercise wheel up to your main power, and have him power your house. After all, we do need a reusable power source....Chubbytricity is a very cheap and economical way to achieve this.

Q: I heard there was a risk of my fatty dying in it’s sleep. Is this so?

A: Unfortunately, yes. Your fatty has spent years building up it’s bulky figure by gorging itself on fat. It’s become that addicted, that even with all the work you have done, there is a chance of relapse. As the tongue is the only fat thing left on them, they tend to attempt to swallow it.

Q: Is it wrong to borrow your friend’s fatty’s to play a giant game of JENGA using them as the blocks?

A: No. A thousand times No.

Stop this sick shit from happening.

Think, or use a condom.

A PROPAGANDA AIRWAVES PRODUCTION.

By Rich.

Your opinion isn’t irrelevant, just wrong.

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