Maddy Dave
Owners of the universe

I use the term musicians meaning anyone that knows how to play an instrument, not how to play with an instrument. How many proper musicians out there see some twit holding an instrument which said musician plays and has been asked to teach said twit a song, only to find that this person (oh god, I use that term lightly) doesn’t know even the basics of music.

Now, let’s say you’re me. You’re a guitarist, you’ve been learning for a little while and you’re impressing your dickwad friends. A few of these friends have also “been learning guitar” (lies) and want you to teach them a song. Let’s say said song is “Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam.
I was going to write something long and expansive, but I’ll cut to the chase with a dialogue of me and said dickwad friend.

“Hey Maddy, that song kicked ass. I creamed. Can you teach me how to play it?”
“Do you know how to play guitar?”
“Yeah, I’ve been playing for [insert bullshit timeframe]”
“Ok. First, hold a G chord, then go into an Em-”
“What’s a G chord?”
“Oh you better be kidding.”
“I don’t need to know that technical stuff. Just show me how to play.”
“I’m trying, but you’re a fucking idiot.”
“You’re not trying to teach me a song, you’re trying to teach me the technical side behind guitar!!!111”
"No, I'm not. If you really were being taught the technical side of guitar, I'd show you how to properly set a guitar with a floyd rose bridge up, but the way it stands now you don't even know the basics, something that would really help you get to the top as you so dream to be one day."
“No it wouldn’t. I’m going to be big one day. Teach me how to play that song! I don’t need to know the “basics”.”
“If you’re so good at picking out songs by ear, why the fuck do I need to teach you the song?”
“Uhhh uhhh uhhh.”
“Yeah, shut up. I’ll bet you don’t even know how to tune your fucking guitar.”
“I don’t need to know, I’ll just play without tuning it.”
“Here’s a dollar. Buy yourself a paper bag and wear it so I don’t have to see your goddamn face and be reminded of how big of a fuckwit you are.”

Oh my god, I wish I could say that was a made up story, but it’s true, right down to the paper bag insult. I swear to god, there are people like this. If you’re a musician and you’ve faced idiots like this, email me because I want to fucking know.
For fucks sake, you people out there who can play along to a song without knowing anything about the basics of a guitar CAN NOT play guitar. Playing guitar means that you know what you’re doing.
One thing this stupid STUPID bitch used as an argument was that “hearing about all the technical sides to music pisses her off”.
Oh really? It pisses you off? Well sorry to burst your bubble miss “I think I’m going to the top one day”, but learning an instrument isn’t supposed to be this easy little thing to do. It actually takes fucking effort. I can play basic shit and I know the basics behind a guitar. I’m no god, I’m not even good, but Christ almighty I worked to get where I am. I can see the differences from when I started to where I am now. Another thing that this idiot pissed me off with was how she flat out refused to learn how to tune her guitar. Never mind that it sounded flatter and shittier than the chest of a nine year old that just got a boston steamer, she could apparently play it without tuning. “What’s the point?” she said. You want to know what the fucking point is? I’ll bet that you can’t play a guitar tuned to A# Bb D Fb A# G to anything except shit. Try playing “I was only 19” by Redgum to that tuning. Hang on, I’ll tune my guitar to that tuning (In order with the top string sounding lowest, which was not the case with this bitch.)

Ok, there was going to be me playing that song on her shitty tuning modified to match my tuners capabilities, but I snapped a string. I’m just going to randomly twist the tuning heads, then play it with the broken string.

Download her shitty tuned guitar murdering a song here.