Richy Atkinson
Owners of the universe

Emo guide.  

EMO FAQ: A How To Guide.

I fucking resent the fake emotional trend that has swept through people like the KKK through a mass black political demonstration. To be honest, these people do not fully understand what they are signing themselves up for, I guess they just Wikipedia the basics, and then use it as an excuse to act like a pussy and cry in the dark and write sad poetry, listen to music they don’t appreciate, and pretend to slit their wrists because that’s the ‘in’ thing. Fuck, people even go as far as to scratch their wrists, in a wild attempt to fit in with this society they chose to take a part in. But what we’ll concentrate more on today, is the fuckers who don’t understand what ‘emo’ is. You’re probably an emo yourself, finding this and thinking ‘Oh some fuckers being nasty to emo, I must read it and defend my emo brethren.”….Or words to that effect. But at least there will be actual FACTS in here, so you might need a notepad and pen to take down some of these facts for future use. I mean heaven forbid someone ELSE calls you a fake, at least then you’ll know stuff to make you at least look legit.

So what is an emo?

So it all started in 1985, but I have never met an emo that lived to remember those days. A day when punk was great, and they decided they needed a spin off. Hardcore Punk. Well, that all went to shit didn’t it? It got warped and twisted into what we have now, bands like ‘Jimmy Eat World’ being associated with emo, and a huge amount of metal bands being pulled kicking and screaming into the genre of which they had no idea they were entering.

So it seems emo now means Hardcore Metal?

No! Don’t for one second make that simple assumption. Emo music is now so varied, and so stretched across, its lines are blurry. I think in some instances, even Rap has been pulled into Emoism by idiotic children.

I’m still confused. So is Emo about music, or always being sad?

Don’t worry. I still have no idea what it has bastardised itself into. I think it now has come to be more an excuse to be sad, and cry about problems in your life without even bothering to attempt to fix them. Hence the whiny poetry, pessimism, and general awe of people who have the guts to commit suicide.

I think it might be the poetry. Could I have an example?

Of course you can! Wait there a second.

Blood poured from her veins
Like rain from a darkened day
Tears ran from her eyes
As her heart began to die
Burning the eye
Only Hoping to die
Bleeding from the wrist
We all must take the risk
For a single wisp
Of a broken wish
Tearing the flesh
None like the rest
Blood pouring from her veins
Never to see the second day

Extract taken from http://allpoetry.com

Honestly people… I took that straight from entering ‘Emo poetry’ into a search engine. Now lets break it down… It’s about suicide, and giving up. And what do we think caused this problem? She probably just lost her virginity, and it was more painful than the stories she had been told about that ‘magic’ first time, that felt like rolling about on silk. Newsflash virgins: Its hard. Its sweaty. Its actually a job in itself. You will NEVER feel like you’re rolling on silk. You’ll feel like you’ve had inches of meat rammed into you. Sorry to spoil the rosy picture perfect dream. Oh, and you’ll meet ‘Mr Right’ in a bar. Drunk. You’ll have drunk sex and get knocked up. Then cry because he doesn’t call….Then probably write poetry again.

Ahh…I get it. The more you complain and talk about pain and suffering, the better you are liked?

Don’t bet on it. You’ll get a lot of abuse. To be honest, you’re better of dealing with your problems the way God intended. Cold beer, bar, drunken sex with someone to patch up your ego. And more importantly, bottle up your emotions. People are more likely to keep drinking with you if you don’t whine at them. You may fake being sad and caring about the environment when you want to hitch up with that girl that looks like she’d go for that. Although spending above your means does this too.

So I’m still confused. I think I don’t want to be emo. But I like the way they dress. What can I do?

Just accept the fact you are a fake. Don’t worry, there are lots of people like you, that just like to wear dark clothing and stand in one place and make their own ‘social statement’. You don’t even have to introduce yourself. Just slip in and you’ll blend in instantly. Bring an iPod with sad music on, print off some emo poetry. (find in on a search engine) And part your hair just so. There you go. Perfect emo.