Death proof wasn't suck proof.
I saw
the movie death proof, and it was bullshit. It was
1:52:34
of period related boredom, and 1 minute of action.
This is how it broke down. It starts with three stupid chicks, two of which
are sluts, and one who is a slut but can’t admit it. About 30 minutes later,
you see a douche bag peel out and you think that the movie is going to pick
up. But no, it doesn’t. There is just another 30 minutes of chicks getting
drunk and one doesn’t even get to see any boob. It’s the worst movie ever so
far. Then, enter “Stuntman Mike”, a really tough mother fucker. He’s smooth,
he’s tough and he looks like he can kick some ass. He even has a manly scar
across his face. When these three bitches leave the place, he takes along
with him a chick from the bar and kills her with his driving skills alone.
That’s kick ass. Then he hunts down the earlier three sluts and has a head
on with them. Just to kill them. Why is he doing it? Seemingly, coz he feels
like it. At this point, every man in the room has a boner for all the
destruction they’ve seen. But it’s crushed, because then we go into another
boring scene with some stupid chicks bitching about their lives. Who gives a
shit? Action action action, that’s what we’re after. I mean for fuck’s sake,
the move is called “Death Proof” you would expect some goddamn action! But
no, we go into another diatribe between these chicks. Who gives a shit.
Hell, only one of this group is what I would call scroggable but even then
she has a high bitch meter.
Then we
get to a little bit of action, one of the chicks is in a fast car and trying
to be hard core by being on the bonnet of a car at high speeds. Big deal.
Suddenly, Stuntman Mike comes into play and starts to bash the chicks off
the road. He fails (A major flaw in the film – they should have fucking
died) and eventually gets shot by one of them.
Now, this guy had a head on car crash, survived and smiled as he went to
crash. All of a sudden, he gets a little flesh wound and he’s literally
screaming like a bitch.
Boring. Next thing you know, he’s the one being hunted and he gets his ass
kicked. Gayness to the fucking max. And to top it all off, he rams the front
of his car up the ass of theirs, and the front of his car isn’t even
scratched. Bullshit. In the end, he dies.
No, that is gay. I demand my 800 mb of data allowance back, that movie was shitty.
Here is
how the ending should have gone. Stuntman Mike should have knocked the
stupid hood ornament bitch off the hood and ran her over. There would have
been a boner inspiring close up of her brains being mashed into the grooves
of the road, then a camera pan from road to his rear wheel where flecks of
brain matter are flicked onto the mud guard. That would have been a good
ending. Then, the other two women are ran off the road and Stuntman Mike
drives them off a cliff, making sure they die properly by driving along with
them. Then you see him get out of his car and just before the credits rolls,
he steps on the surviving passenger (coz the driver died of course) and you
see from her perspective his boot crashing down on her skull. The last sound
you hear before the credits roll is the sound of her cranium caving in under
the pressure of his boot.
That would have been an academy award worthy ending.