Richy Atkinson
Owners of the universe

Cake 2010.  

ha ha ha americanz are fat.

One late night, four ounces of flour, met four ounces of sugar, butter and eggs. What did it make, you ask? Well……CAKE.

The year…..2010. The place….New York. Cake is now an endangered species, the obese Americans have taken to it like fish to butter. Yes, we have to say butter now in the future, we cant say anything that has less than 200 calories. What if you say Salad? Don’t even get me started. Cake is now so rare it is like gold, bakery’s put out of business by Mexican cake smuggling gangs, who after seeing the potential market in it, hoarding it all and only allowing little tiny bits of cake to be produced. They moved all the flour and cows and sugar cane and cows to Mexico, Building a really really big wall with a really really tiny door so no Americans could get in. How did the Mexican’s cross the border to steal American jobs? Well, Mexico now had so much wealth, it parachuted them all in. In gangs of 10, already fitted with custom sombrero and handlebar moustache.

Deep in New York however, what was left of the city burning as the fatties rampaged across the landscape, searching for butter and cream. A nearby McDonalds worker is forced to use the McSniper Rifle to pick off the ones he cant supply. They have become the walking enemy….consumed with only the need to eat.

The baker now places the 17th cake into his van. He was going to be a MILLIONARE! He nearly wept. $400,000 per cake…..This was his lucky day. He opened the garage door, gunning the gas….but there were too many…the had already sensed the bakers.

“CAKE!!!! CAKEEEE…..ME WANT CAKE”
The fatties advanced.
“I WANT CAKE HE GOT CAKE!”
The baker let out a scream, only managing to nail 1 fatty, his van tipped over by it’s stomach fat. The fatties now clawed at him
“Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake.” They chanted.

Nearby, a group of Mexican Migrant workers parachuted in.
“Team One, mow lawns”
“Team Two, take over McDonald’s and begin the sale of tacos.”
“Team Three……”
“SHIT! A guys being mauled by fatties!”
“MEXICANS! ENGAGE!”

The Mexicans pulled out their six shooters, gunning them down Wild West style before collapsing in pure laziness and falling to sleep. What was left however, moved to the van, and saw the baker was making cake….and promptly shot him in the face.

“We breeeng cake back to Meccico. We beee ero’s, Amigo”
“Si, Si, cake make us reeeeech”

The Mexicans scrabbled together all the cake and called in an Airstrike to bomb the area, and a chopper for extraction.

At the far away Mexican Airforce base, Wing Commander Jose Manfreil wound up the elastic for his plastic propeller for the bombing mission to New York. He realised there wasn’t enough elastic to get him back, this was a suicide mission. Still, he tapped the polystyrene wings to make sure they were intact, and fixing his sombrero, he took a bite of his beef jerky and took off, spitting tobacco into the air.

Cake was now on the chopper. Behind him, he heard the explosion as the Mexican Airforce plane dropped the tire that had been set on fire. Cake giggled, he had just made a rhyme.

“Ehhh holmes, you just ere a cake geeeegle?”
“Don’t be so steeeewpid. Cake does not geeeegle.”
The Mexicans felt stupid.

Cake didn’t. Cake thought the Mexicans were cute, and wanted one specially to cuddle up to and watch that thing human’s call ‘Pornography’.

Later that day, the Mexican chopper pilot had just enough strength to peddle the rotors to land. He landed, and they ran out with cake. Taking him into their lair, where a small man in a suit with a cigar and tequila sat, they asked the boss what he wanted to do with cake. He ordered it to be eaten, as a sign of their good fortune. Cake was slapped on the table, and a knife put to his head.

“Wow, what the fuck man! Don’t cut me!”
“Sheeeet the cake talk.”
“Put that fucking thing away, man! I gotta phobia of knifes. Shit….”
 

The Mexicans looked in amazement at the talking cake. Unfortunately, they were scared, and couldn’t understand why it could talk, and as we all know, if a Mexican get’s confused, it gets aggressive. They stabbed cake in the face and shot him.

The End.

Caution: If you were a Mexican reading this….Have a sense of humour =)