How to break up with your girlfriend.
Ever had
a girlfriend you’ve had it up to your tits with? Are you sick of being
cheated on, spat on, shat on and all round beaten up because you’re a pussy?
Then what you need is to break up with your bitch girlfriend. Let’s face it,
some women are bigger assholes than the men that they’re dating, and no one
likes that.
So follow this handy guide and use some of these classic methods for break
up.
1. Tell your girlfriend that you’ve come down with a IQ dehabilitating disease. She will naturally say “I don’t care, I’ll still love you!” to which you promptly reply “Look, it’s not me, it’s me. I just can’t seem to remember what I was saying and I just can’t seem to remember what I was saying.” Pause for effect then say “But as I said before, the sky is seven."
2. This next method also can result in a great deal of wealth. Tell your girlfriend she’s gotten really fat, so fat that you’d choose to have sex with a whale over having sex with her. Tell her you’ve had wet dreams with what you thought was a whale until you noticed that the whale had her hair. She’ll lose control and fly at you with some form of blunt object. Take it to the point where she damages you somewhat severely, then sue her ass. If you die from this encounter, then you obviously didn’t want to break up with her, you pussy.
3. The
insane religion card. This one is gold. The result can is not only a break
up, but there is the odd chance that if she was obsessed enough she’ll go
nuts and take out the religion you use.
I’ll use Christianity for the example here. Start by telling her that you
spoke to “the light” whilst she was asleep/away/taking a dump. Tell her that
Jesus said he wanted you to break up with her because she is a sinful whore
and that she is a slight against god (Much like I, Maddy, am.) She’ll go
crazy but she won’t touch you because she’ll be mad at the asshole religion
that’s made you lose your nut.
Throw in some “Praise the lord-uh” ’s in there for extra effect. For a real cream on the cake, dress like a priest and claim to be attracted to little boys.
4. Dress like a hobo and stop showering. After about a week of reek, she’ll ask you what the hell you’re doing. Tell her you’ve decided that it’s the vagrant’s life for you and that if she wants to be with you, she’ll have to make her dresses from paper bags and use cupcakes as tampons.
5. The ol’ straightforward approach. Tell her that she’s pissing you off something chronic, and if she doesn’t change you’ll go gay just to spite her. If she doesn’t buy it, start threatening to go goatse on her ass. If you’re really dedicated to your cause, you’ll actually do it to prove your point. Remember, it isn’t gay if you stretch it wider than a tunnel, only if you put things in there.
6. This method is especially good for drama queens. For this example, we’ll say the name of your soon to be ex is Zoe. Here is what you do…
You:
“What?”
Her: “Huh?”
You: “YOU CALLING ME FAT?!”
Her: “I beg your pardon?”
You: “BECAUSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!!!!!!!111111111”
Her: “uhhh… are you ok?”
You: (look at her) “Sorry, I was having a conversation with myself.
Apparently, if we have one more argument, you and I, I’m going to have to
kill you.” (Open your eyes very wide and stare at her whilst you tilt your
head to the side.)
This will shut her trap and end the relationship quickly.
7. Say you’re a teenager. She’s 16 you’re 17. 6 simple words… “You’re WAY
too old for me.”
8. Pretend you’re having a sex change operation and for extra effect, say
that you liked her name so much you’ve decided to name yourself after her.
9. Pretend to die. Get someone (IE your sister) to tell her that you are
dead, and make the death a suicide. Write the note you “killed yourself”
with and get your sister to give it to her. On the note, tell her that she
isn’t invited to the funeral. If you’re lazy like me, you’ll leave out the
reason why, but it’s best to leave a reason like “I didn’t want yo cracker
ass weeping at my funeral.” It’s also advised that you don’t use that
reason.
If you’re seen again by her, speak fluent German and claim to be a
doppelganger. Depending how attached she was to you, it might happen that
she falls in love with you as a doppelganger. In which case, it’s advisable
that you go with no. 2 for a bit, then run the fuck away.
10. Maddox once stated that a head butt to the tits was an effective way to end a relationship.
“No questions, just a couple of bruised titties.”
11. Claim that you’re a swinger and say that you’re into kinky things. No matter how kinky she is, you always have to outdo her by at least 3 steps. She likes pinching nipples? Tell her you like your nipples to be electrocuted by a car battery. She likes whips and chains? You like barbed wire and knives. She likes fisting? You like goatse. She likes goatse? You’re pretty fucked buddy.
Following any of these methods to break up with your girlfriend will easily help you on your way to losing that stupid bitch. Remember, if any of these methods don’t work, it’s because you don’t want freedom enough.