It's perfect! Finally something we can use.
How to be broken up with.
I wrote an awesome article recently about how to break up with your girlfriend. But sometimes it happens that one is broken up with by said girlfriend before one gets the chance to break up with her.
If you’re one of those pussies that likes their girlfriend/life partner/wife (a wife? You pussy.) and you want to stick with them, then here are some sure fire ways to keep your miserable side that can’t accept when shit is over happy.
1. The tantrum
This method is much more effective in a crowded area, like a shopping centre.
What you need: Desperation.
What you don’t want: Dignity.
How to do it: When your partner throws down their generic break up statement (“It’s not you, it’s me”, “I think we should see other people”, “I have AIDS”, “I’m getting sick of you always going for anal”), throw yourself down on the floor and start screaming incoherently. Your partner will be so embarrassed by this scene that they will start saying stuff to you. Don’t stop screaming like a bitch until you hear them say “ok ok I won’t leave you.”
When this has happened, you can immediately gain composure and pretend as though nothing happened. Remember though, leave your dignity at home; it won’t help you here.
2. Murder
This method is permanent. Even the threat of this method works wonders.
What you need: Something sharp, necrophilia.
What you don’t want: A soul, belief of heaven (Because if it did exist, you sure as shit wouldn’t be going there.)
How to do it:
When your partner throws their generic break up statement in your face (“I’m
gay”, “I’m dying”, “You’re too conceited… are you listening to me? Put down the
fucking mirror and listen to me!”, “I’m cheating on you with 5 guys at once”),
throw something blinding in theirs! Pepper does the trick well, but generally
tiny fragments of glass do the job more efficiently. Aim for the eyes. Whilst
they’re blinded, jab something long and sharp into their bodies and let them
bleed to death.
Voila, when they’re dead you can easily maintain a relationship. How many dead
people talk, let alone argue the point.
3. Attack self esteem
This method is easy to maintain, just make sure you’re consistent.
What you need: A big cup of mean and nasty, ability to point out every little flaw in their character.
What you don’t want: To be a pussy.
How to do it: Be an asshole! Point out everything that they do wrong and make them realize that they are lucky to have you. When they try to break up with you, point out that with the shitty sandwiches they made that they won’t go far at all.
Remember to point out every little flaw in anything about them or what they do and make a huge scene out of it.
4. Claim that they are the only reason you live.
This method is often used by teenagers who think they’re being smart, but they’re actually being manipulative little shits.
What you need: To be an asshole, only 18 years or less of life under your belt, balls with which to carry the threat out.
What you don’t want: To be intelligent.
How to do it:
Partner: “We’re breaking up because (I don’t like your snoring, I’m a
lesbian/homosexual, I am too crazy for you).
You: What? I
can’t take this! (pull out a knife) I’m going to cut myself!
Partner: No please don’t!
You: I’ll do it! I swear! (you won’t)
Partner: ok ok I’ll stay with you now that you have successfully guilt tripped me into staying with you. What a master of evil manipulation you are!
5. Framing
This method requires lots of effort.
What you need: Drugs and lots of them, connections in the judicial system.
What you don’t want: A get out of jail free card.
How to do it: What you need to do is frame your partner. Use those connections to get them a life sentence in some prison system. Then get yourself arrested for something and get the same sentence and use those connections again to get a life sentence in the same cell as your partner. Best part about this method is, rape now becomes fair play! After all, what goes in a cell, stays in a cell.
6. Chilli torture.
This method is useless against Mexicans.
What you need: Chair, rope, chili.
What you don’t want: Allergies to chili.
How to do it: Tie your partner down. Look him in the eyes and ask him if it’s worth breaking it off with you. Naturally, they will say “Yes it is, this is crazy.” Or something to that effect. What you need to do is cut a chili and jab it in one of their eyes. When they scream, ask them again. If they say yes, jab the other eye out and say “that’s right bitch, you’re mine forever.”
If they say no, make little cuts all over their face and move lower down their body till you get to the anus. When you cut there, cut hard and jaggedly. Then drain the chili there. They will instantly say “yes, I’ll go back with you!” when they feel the rectal burning.
7. Let go
This method is best.
What you need: Common sense.
What you don’t want: Any of the above methods in mind, clinginess.
How to do it: Normally on this site, I’m a complete dick and I proverbially rape things like etiquette and good language. Normally I’m full of angry advice and jaded views. But this is different.
If you get broken up with, move on because bitching about what’s broken isn’t going to get you anywhere. I know that normally we see people bitching about broken things, like the trade centre buildings. What happened with that? America went to war with Iraq.
That’s bitching about broken things. Stop being like America and be more like London, whom (when bombed) picked up the pieces and carried on living.
There you have
it, the perfect ways with which to be broken up with. Maybe now someone will
have something to say about anything I fucking write.
Email me if you dare.