Maddy Dave
Owners of the universe

Sayings that piss me off.

Amongst the many things in this world that piss me off, some of the worst have to be the bullshit that spews forth from the mouths of other people, specifically sayings that are full of shit. These sayings often get me so angry that if my bowels weren't already knotted from other shit that pisses me off they'd squeeze every last ounce of brown matter from within me.


"Full stop."

When someone says "full stop" at the end of a statement they assume\expect that the other person will take this as command to stop talking. Aside from the grammatical errors it arises (As if you actually say full stop it means you're putting an extra full stop at the end of your sentence, making it neither the end of that sentence nor an ellipse). To me, adding a full stop to your sentence (ignoring the earlier grammatical error) would mean that your sentence is over, not the debate/argument/conversation. This in turn would lead to an opening for you to put your response in, correct? Therefore, people who use this saying from me are going to get a face full of response and then a quick jab to the crotch, because people that stupid shouldn't be allowed to pass on their shitty intellect to their children.


"Because I said so."

This isn't a fucking reason at all, dip shit. Because you said so (and in using that statement clearly have a god complex) doesn't mean that what you're saying is the truth/valid. That would mean that I could easily state to a bank teller that all the money withheld in the teller's bank is mine and when queried as to why this is so, I could easily use the bulletproof saying "Because I said so".

This saying is often followed up by "full stop" and only used when someone who has an enormous desire to control/win the argument/debate/conversation has nothing else in their defense to say.

People who use this saying should be shot in both legs and left to die from infection, because using this benign response indicates that they are too mentally handicapped to be productive to the world.


"Jesus hears/sees you all the time."

This one really pisses me off because the person who says it 99% of the time is a bible bashing door knocker. The kind of person who gets paid to harass people in their homes to preach about something that people can't really give a shit about. On that topic, I wonder how many people they convert per day? That would be a zero, so lets go with per year. That might yield 1 result. If we're (un)lucky.

This saying implies that Jesus is watching you 24/7, like some sort of crazy government hell bent on our complete and total compliance to their wishes. Their wishes of course being so tactfully dropped in conversation in the form of the ten fucking commandments (command? sounds very tactful and gentle). If to you, the simpleton reading this document doesn't understand the implications of that last statement, then I'll dumb it down to what most of you knuckle draggers would think when proposed with this stupid saying: Jesus is perving on you all the time. I advise that you lock yourself up in a bright white room filled with the sound of dance and techno music so that you can never sleep and have naughty dreams and can remain in prayer until you die from your severe case of stupid.

If Jesus really did hear me all the time, 99% of you would be dead.


"You have to [insert verb] or else you'll [insert maudlin verb]"

Oh really? Everything I do I do by choice not because some dip shit is compelling (or in a legal sense threatening) me to do so. I'll tell you what, fuck knuckle, I don't have to do anything. The only thing I have to do is what I want. And if that involves what you want then so be it but if you keep pushing it, I'll do what I want which will then become the opposite of what you want and do that just out of spite. Then I'll laugh at your inferiority.


"I'm a mutt, part [Insert minority] part [Insert minority/majority] (if necessary, part this and that and so on)."

Though I claim jokingly to be half Aussie half Aussie because of my heritage (and I only claim this to amuse my small minded friends), I never refer to myself as a mutt or genuinely expect people to buy that half half bullshit.

Mostly women seem to do the whole "Mutt" thing. I assume this is because they expect it's "cutesy" but it isn't. It's damn annoying and hypocritical, because I guarantee you if I called any of those women a mutt, they would call me a chauvinist pig. Fucking idiots. Half half? The only thing I'll accept being called half half is a pizza.

We're not half this country half that country, we're fucking human. If a dog has a parent from China and a parent from America and was born in Italy (assuming they're all the same breed of dog too) does this mean the dog is part Chinese part American part Italian?

Idiots. You're part stupid, part fuckwit.


"I think..."

Unless you're me, you don't.


"Every time you turn on a light bulb it burns 10 minutes worth of energy."

Every time you say that, you reduce my life by 10 minutes from stress related issues that you've just caused.
Who the hell said this in the first place? The world's first brainless electrician? It must just be me, but people get more and more stupid every day. Simple math's would state this fact.

Say 60 watts = Z, a bulb = X and Y = 1 minute.
If X burns Z at the rate of 1 X per Y, then X would have to have a capacity higher than that of Z, which is not often the case. X may have a capacity for .5% extra of Z, but any more than that means that X is overloaded.
Therefore, X + Z x Y10 = X NIL

Sorry that might be a little too technical for all you idiots reading this, let me dumb it down a little.
If a little red balloon is filled with air and has no more space for more air, what happens if you put more air in it? It goes BOOM!
Twits.

A light bulb can't burn that much energy with the flick of one switch. If that were the case, then it would explode the moment you turn it on.
Much like how I imagine my head exploding when you bring a stupid saying like that to my mental doorstep.


"That's just your opinion."

No shit sherlock? Whose else's would it be? This saying was taken from a page by Maddox (refer to bottom of page for credits) but I'm putting it in here because it's one of the most blood boiling heart beat raising stress inducing sayings out there. Like, "Because I said so" this saying means absolutely fuck all to the conversation and is only used when the other person can't justify their point, often in the discussion of their shitty taste in music/movies/clothing (as Maddox said). Every time someone says this saying to me and has a clear sense of self satisfaction that they ended the argument/debate/conversation, I get this feeling of pure rage and also confusion somewhat as to how that statement ends the argument/debate/conversation. It's so goddamn redundant to bring up, that would be like (whilst discussing why the sky is blue) pointing out that the sky is blue in the first place.

The sky is as blue as the veins popping from my neck when one says this to me. I swear to god, the people who use that saying should be force fed their own intestines so that they know what their shit tastes like.

I could go on about the many sayings that piss me off, but I'm sure that they would still be used and I'd only be wasting time. Instead, I'll go vent by punching some orphans in the face and laughing at them when their parents don't come to try and stop me.

Who am I kidding.

They have no parents.


Composed by Maddy (The example of everything good stands for).

Copyright © Maddy Dave