Pure dickhead
There are a few people in this world I would like to strangle, in fact there are many. But there are none who make me wish to grab them by their esophagus (and rip at them as though I was pulling their internal pipes out through their mouth only) more than my
friend. Now this isn't a constant thing, but this bout of pure superheated hate comes from when he doubts me in the field of computer technology (And I use the term lightly here).
By computer technology, I mean the really simple shit like "Your hard drive is full because you have 20Gb of pornography on it and you have a 21Gb hard drive".
However, certain people just don't seem to comprehend simple mathematics.
Listen here twat face, if you have 20 gigabytes of porn on your hard drive and your hard drive has a 21 gigabyte capacity, how much do you have left? 1 gigabyte, that's right. Now, this point may seem aggravating, but not as much as to murder someone violently. So let me explain why it's aggravating.
When you have a standard copy of windows XP installed, it typically has about 1 - 2 gigabytes taken up for itself (That's good ol' Microsoft brand space hogging crash prone ingenuity for you!) and the rest is poorly formatted space.
Now, I came across my uncle's space problem when I noticed him uninstalling programs. Naturally intrigued, I checked because I knew he was a complete novice at computers (Amazingly enough, he can tell the difference between the up arrow on the keyboard and his cock despite similarities in size and shape) and I thought that uninstalling programs may be a tiny bit too complex for him. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had programs taking up too much space.
WRONG!
Dickhead, you had fuck all programs installed. The largest program on that fucking list was 100 megabytes, and that was because you had somehow uninstalled service pack two, even though it came integrated on your fucking CD!
I politely informed him that perhaps it was another form of media taking up space. Of course, this could not be the case because it has to be the programs. The goddamn window showed a grand total of about 500mb worth of things to uninstall (Some rather important, like the graphics card driver) and yet he claimed that it had to be the programs, nothing else.
I asked to have a look to see if I could find programs that would not show up on the list that would be taking up all his space (Cough, BULLSHIT, cough), and went straight to the download folder where all the porn was stored. I highlighted it and sure enough, the folder was close to 20 gigabytes. But of course, this evidence was DENIED! I said I could prove it by burning the files to a DVD (With his DVD burner) and deleting them.
DENIED! Reason?
"Burn them to a DVD? I don't want to make a whole movie out of them!"
I growled and muttered "You stupid cunt" under my breath and then put the "You're a complete tool, but I'll smile and pretend you're not" face on and informed him that it wouldn't be a movie, it would be like removable data. Just put the DVD in, move your hands around in your flab till you find your pickle dick, then double click.
DENIED!
Why?
"That sounds like a lot of time wasting."
Yeah, and the 20 minute (No exaggeration) wait for the file to load because there is no page file space left is so much quicker. Fucking tool.
When I pointed this fact out (With more forced politeness and less technical jargon) he said "So it's a virus?"
By now, I wanted to kick his balls so hard that they would fly out of his mouth with such force, they would leave a pair of bloody holes in his monitor.
"No, it's not a virus. You just don't have enough space."
"So I have to get rid of more programs?" (Now we're at the "I want to rip your head off and move your jaw around whilst mimicking you saying "I'm a tool" incessantly"
stage.)
"No, you simply must copy these pornographic files to a DVD and delete the files from your hard drive when done."
"And lose all my porn?!?" (By now, I wished I had a scalpel that I could slice up his fat stomach with and use his intestines to write "NO YOU FUCKING TWAT!")
"No, it will all be on the DVD"
"But I don't want it as a movie!" (ARGH)
"It won't be a movie, it will be a data disk. Removable storage. Put DVD in drive and there is porno."
"But that's a lot of effort." (It's a conundrum! Not only has he put me in a loop, but he's an idiot! He can't get out of it!)
"Well deleting your programs to squeeze droplets of space from your machine isn't really much better is it??"
"How much space do all those programs take up again?" (By this point, I lost it.)
"You know what? Why don't you just go out and buy a 500$ external hard drive! Then you can piss away all the space and bitch to the people who manufactured it. But until that point, I highly recommend that you format your hard drive (That means delete EVERYTHING) and sell your computer. Use the money you make from selling that computer to invest in something with which to run 1000 volts of electricity through your body whenever you think about a computer ever again."
"An external hard drive? That sounds useful." (And now we get to the point where
I wish to rip his internals out through his mouth.
For the tech geeks out there, he has a Celeron cpu running at 800mhz and 256mb
of pc 100 sdram (shared with onboard graphics. Couple that with a windows XP
install on a 20gb ATA hard drive and a DVD burner and you have a piece of shit
worthy of a trip directly into the sun.)